Coke: Unnatural Selection?

I found this blog excerpt on the Ad Age website and was, needless to say, shocked:

Coca-Cola’s New Drink Fountain Is a Gusher

Don’t Ask the Cashier to List Flavors
Posted by Natalie Zmuda on 08.29.08 @ 04:16 PM
Coca-Cola Co. is testing a sleek new beverage fountain that can dispense more than 100 beverages. Very cool in theory — until you’re stuck behind some guy paralyzed by the sheer number of selections.

http://adage.com/adages/post?article_id=130643

After finding myself unable to speak for a period of time longer than I’d like to admit, a multitude of questions swirled in my mind. First of all, why? Second of all, why? Third of all… why? Fine, it was one question that swirled in my mind. But it certainly wreaked a lot of havoc while it was there.

Okay. So let’s pretend we’re eight years old again for a minute (as if this isn’t my normal mindset), and play the what-if game. What if Coca Cola came out with this supersized beverage dispenser? Here come the real questions. For instance, are there even enough beverages in existence to fill a machine that can dispense a hundred of them? Would Coca Cola start dispensing… dare I say it… Pepsi Products? How about off-brand soda of the convenience station or rural grocery store variety? Where will 100+ types of soda be stored when it’s patiently waiting to be dispensed? Will it be underground? Will people be falling into soda pits left and right? Will these so-called soda pits become the next tar pits and set off a chain reaction that ultimately results in the extinction of the human race? And isn’t anyone other than me worried about additional CO2 emissions caused by the bubbles (not to mention burps) that accompany 100+ varieties of soda? Will there be enough bathrooms to accomodate the result of all of this extra soda drinking?

And while we’re not worrying about falling into bubbling, noxious pits of soda, or concerning ourselves with global warming and the eminent extinction of the human race, we’re going to be waiting in hours-long lines. All while people like me feel an inherent need to browse every single soda option available. And what happens, then, if Coca Cola allows us to MIX different types of soda? Let’s do a bit of math. If there are 100 different kinds of soda, and Coke lets us mix these varieties, you could actually have 9.33 x 10 (to the 157th power) possibilities for your drink. I can’t even deal with thinking about that much selection. I’m afraid I might internally combust. Which could very well happen anyway when this machine lures me into consuming the equivalent to my body mass in soda.

Here’s a bit more math. How big will this drink dispenser be? An average drink dispenser containing a mere three drinks is 10.25 inches long. 100 drinks/3=33.3333, multiply that by 10.25 inches, and you have a soda dispenser 28.4 feet long. That’s bigger than some buildings. Luckily, Coke is pretty smart- perhaps their analytical skills exceed that of a third grader- and has compacted the dispenser into one little machine. This only raises my concerns regarding soda storage pits, by the way.

But, I digress. All of this is leading up to one very important question: Do we really need this? No. Do we want this? No. Will we use this? Heck yes.

According to Coke, innovation is their lifeblood. What they fail to mention is that their blood is also infused with 100+ varieties of soda. Get prepared, yours will soon be the same.

Bruegger's Bagels In-Store Advertising: Cream Cheese of the Crop

First off, I can’t believe I just wrote cream cheese of the crop. I really need to get out more. All embarrassingly bad puns aside, it’s true. Bruegger’s has some really great in-store advertising. No, it’s not Apple’s mind-tripping, multidimensional storefront displays that are dripping with imagination and visual creativity. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out the store window at the MOA. Try not to get dizzy. Bruegger's in-store is no Target ad with bulls eye symbols forming everything from straw hats to traffic lights (which is, despite my rant about Target below, kinda cool).

Nope, Bruegger’s in-store is different, but equally as good. In a world where advertising is becoming more and more reliant on visuals and attention-getting gimmicks, Bruegger’s relies on something ‘decidedly more low-tech’: words. Call me traditional (or just call me a copywriter), but I think that until we start communicating solely through ESP, words are still pretty important. They’d better be, or I’m out of a job before I even start one.

The basic format of Bruegger’s signs and displays is as follows: Basic drawing of product or service on top. Basic headline stating product or service below. Witty, quick, intelligent one-liner in parentheses below headline. The strength of their advertising is in these one-liners. They’re simple. They’re relevant. They’re funny. I wish I’d thought of them. And that right there is the four-point test of good advertising. Sounds pretty straightforward until you actually sit down and try to write those one-liners. Say what? It took a hundred revisions to write that seven-word line about Wi-Fi? Say what, Carrie, it took you nine hours to write this blog post?

Fine, it probably only took an hour and blogging for the benefit of five readers is nothing like writing ads for a nationwide company. But hey, maybe someday someone who isn’t related to me will post a comment on here. I emphasize ‘someday’.

Anyway, back to what’s important here: bagels. On a side note, people need to stop eating rosemary olive oil bagels because I swear, they are always out when I go there. I subsequently begin throwing a hissy-fit until the sign next to the counter telling me that the italian bagel is going to kiss me on both cheeks makes my anger float away. The hissy-fit floats right back over when I get to my desk at work and have to eat the chewy, bordering on flavorless sun-dried tomato bagel instead of the soft, warm, and wonderfully potent rosemary olive oil bagel. Oops, Bruegger’s. In-store advertising.

What is really great about these ads is that they mix up the general format of print ads. Normally the really clever, funny line is the headline, followed by an informative line or two about the product/service. Not so at Bruegger’s. Information first, fun second. How very logical of them. They reward you for reading the information about their bagels. Or coffee. Or whatever. And then after you read the first sign, you’re eager to read the rest. At least I am. And I do. I get greedy. I read every sign in the store and then want more. It’s remarkably similar to my rosemary olive oil bagel addiction.

Alas, I regress. My point is this: Bruegger’s has realized something very valuable. We’re already IN the store. It’s actually difficult to avoid reading the displays in such close proximity. So why not show your products and services first and then satisfy us for reading about it by throwing a clever little one-liner in there? I end up getting the information that I need about what I’m about to eat AND getting a giggle out of it. Try Brrrrrrruegger's iced coffee? Teeheehe. Brrr, it’s cold coffee. And it's by Bruegger's. I get it.

And now I must have it immediately if not sooner.

The result is advertising that connects the consumer to the store. Advertising that almost makes you feel like you and Bruegger’s have an inside joke, when in reality, all you have is a delicious bagel inside your tummy (fine with me!). So thanks, Bruegger’s, for reminding us that sometimes advertising does speak louder in words.

And now, some examples:

How do you tell customers that the Wi-Fi is free while still plugging your deliciously fresh-baked bagels?

Copy: Free Wi-Fi. [Don't worry. Our bagels are still decidedly low-tech].

I couldn't find an example of the one for the italian bagel sandwich. But this is basically what it says:

Try Bruegger's Primo Pesto sandwich on our warm, fresh-baked Ciabatta bagel. [Any more Italian and it'd be kissing you on both cheeks].

Another couple of good ones for their coffee and a new bagel breakfast sandwich:

Coffee break? [This is more like a coffee sabbatical].

Summer just breezed in. [And landed on a freshly baked bagel]

Well, my image search was less than successful. Guess you'll have to go get yourself a bagel and read the signage for yourself!

Target Good Buys

Here's an example of the Hello, Goodbuy ads. Note the cat in the purse... looks like I wasn't so far off with those strawberries!

Target Quits Hitting the Spot

I just want to start off by saying that I love Target. We have a completely healthy relationship that could be considered illegal in some states- I spend lots of money there and Target, in return, makes me happy. Seriously though, I would much rather pay some extra money at Target to shop in a clean, organized, and pleasing atmosphere versus a store with lower prices where the fear of catching Chlamydia from shelves that haven’t been cleaned in years runs rampant.

I love Target. I’m just sick of their advertising. I never thought I’d say it. Dancing bottles of Tide detergents alongside white Target symbols accompanied by trendy music used to send my heart aflutter. Tis no longer. I have actually begun to (GASP) change the channel when Target commercials come on. After four years of basically the same campaign, it’s overkill. What happened to the days when foreign guys wearing black berets mispronounced ‘Target’? Now all I see are commercials with flowers made up of paper napkins, kites composed of Tide stain sticks, atomic bombs exploding over cities resulting in the formation of red Target symbols, while the background music croons "Hello, hello, hello, Goodbye!"… okay, fine. I made that last one up. But it’s coming, just wait for it (to clarify: the commercial, not the bomb).

It’s a rare occasion when the consumer actually gets sick of the campaign before the company does. This is a fact, I promise. I’ve had this question on not just one, but two exams. I’ve been seeing ‘Hello, Good buy’ now for two years. I’ve started to dream in Hello, Good buy. “Hello, amazing Manolos I’ve been wanting since I started walking. No, no, not a good buy.” This is precisely why this campaign has got to go: I cannot have Target telling me in my dreams that I cannot afford $525 shoes. It’s my dream and I’ll buy whatever I want. I get the concept now. It took two years of in-store displays, weekly flyers, TV commercials, flip books, and print ads in my In Style magazines, but I get it. Target has good buys.

Target, my love, you’ve stretched this campaign to its limits. So, here I give you one valuable piece of knowledge from physiology class: Stretching too far causes strain. Give yourself a minute to wrap your mind around the concept. It’s mind-boggling, I know. And it doesn’t just apply to advertising. It also works for things like nylons. And red twizzlers. And fruit-by-the-foot. So be careful out there.

Target has stretched this good buy thing so far that it’s stopped making good sense. They’ve started pairing things like strawberries and purses in the same ad. Hello: strawberries. Good buy: Isaac Mizrahi Purse. These things just don’t connect in my mind. Unless the purse is shaped like a strawberry. Or maybe you’re supposed to take the strawberries home in your new purse. Whatever the case, the red twizzler is pretty close to snapping here. If I start seeing things like “Hello: Halo 3, Good buy: 1 lb Green String Beans”, I might have to brave the threat of an STD (shelf-transmitted-disease) and start shopping somewhere else.

Especially because this campaign, while clever, is not fooling anyone. Look, Target, you’re not actually the best buy. I know this is hard to hear. But my makeup is at least a dollar cheaper at Wal-Mart. So are those string beans. I look past these flaws and love you anyway. I just can’t see past the bright red, thirty-foot-long display screaming “Hello, Good Buy”.

The Long and the Short of It

Here I am, taking a step toward modern civilization and finally attempting to establish the blog site I've been composing in my head for the past three years. What pushed me over the edge and onto the screen? I happened to be at an informational job interview today when asked the unfortunate question [enter: booming, echoing voice and horror movie music circa 1999 Blair Witch Project]:

"MAY I SEE A SAMPLE OF YOUR LONG COPY WRITING?"

Okay, I might have over-exaggerated just a tiny bit. He very well could have said 'can I see your long copy writing' rather than 'may I'. I'll admit, on occasion I hear what I like to hear. And I like good grammar. On a side note, that right there is the reason I haven't yet started a blog. All of these admissions are going to expose my inner-freak. Here I thought it wouldn't start to come out until at least my second post.

Back to the long-copy question. Up until now, I've been pretending it's rhetorical. You know- smile, look at the wall for an extra second and pretend the interviewer didn't notice that you completely ignored what he or she said in the moment prior. It doesn't usually work (and when I say usually, I mean never... but, here's hoping). The result of this interaction is always the same: I end up having to suck up my pride, all the while pretending I'm not mildly offended that my ability to put together a coherent sentence is in question, and tell the interviewer that I don't actually HAVE a long copy sample of my work.

I'd prefer to avoid this situation in the future and have something... anything, really... to refer the interviewer or portfolio reviewer too. I mean, I could send them one of the several twenty-page research papers that I have produced during my college career, but I get the feeling sometimes that they don't really mean that type of writing. Particularly when they tell me they don't mean that type of writing. See, I can put two and two together. Just not in sentences, apparently!

Honestly though, a research paper would probably be fine. But I want more than fine. I did have to justify starting this blog for one reason or another, and that's as good as any. I really would rather send someone to a blog that's entertaining to read (again, here's hoping) than send them something that could potentially put them to sleep. Now that I think about it... there's got to be somebody out there who would appreciate the cat nap!

Here's an unprecedented notion: Why don't I just write a long copy ad?

What a great idea. But the blog's here to stay.